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Here's My Heart

I’ve made so many mistakes in my life, but the ones I regret the most are the ones where others were hurt or offended by my words or actions. I can apologize, but I cannot make the other person forgive me like my God forgives me. He forgets my failures as soon as I ask Him to forgive me. God’s grace is beautiful. He doesn’t beat me up about it. We don’t have to “get it all out on the table” and relive the hurts and pains. He just never brings them up again. I’m working on that myself. I’m still a work in progress from past trauma, but I refuse to live in that excuse. When I fail at something, I have learned to pick myself up and keep going forward. This was not always the case. My failures use to make me spiral down into a very dark and ugly place. I listened to the lies of the devil, hating myself and believing I was not lovable and I could never do things right. I wanted to give in and give up. I didn’t blamed others. Well, maybe when my marriage was rocky I did, but most of the time I knew I was the problem. After many years of seeking wisdom, praying, meditating and speaking amazing scriptures to change the way I think, I am so much closer to wholeness in my journey. My very biggest regret is how my trauma affected my children. I don’t think I was a bad mom. Of course I would love to have a “do over” because of the wisdom I have gained, but I did things like allowing fear to drive my demands for them to make right choices, my choices not theirs. My intentions were good but the pressure I put on them was not good. I was terrified they would go down the same path I had. This would be one of my biggest “do over” requests, but since that’s not possible, I’m working very hard to use the time I have left on the earth to reverse any pain I caused in their precious lives. One thing I know is that I could have never loved them more than I always have and always will. I have amazing children and I have to say, they turned out pretty spectacular. I’ll always want them to make right decisions. I know I cannot make them, but I can love them unconditionally. They are grown and truly responsible for their own choices. However, the promises I have from God about my children are so much more powerful than anything I could ever say to them, and that is my peace. Anyone else, if I’ve ever hurt, let you down or offended you, I’m truly sorry. “Getting it all out on the table?” Well, that’s a whole new blog post, but it is my hearts desire that you will find it in your heart to forgive me. Not for my ego but for your heart. LoVe, Vicky

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